Across the projects I have been a part of and the ones I have released under my own moniker, I have submitted close to one hundred works to ASCAP and the ACE Music Repertory. As much as this should feel like an accomplishment, it ultimately feels banal and underwhelming, at least from a personal standpoint. The sum of the streams that have collected on these pieces of music amounts to little more than a pittance, and the hard work that was put into these releases feels like a monumental waste in the face of the veritable tsunami of music both real and artificial that floods music platforms every waking moment.
Don't get me wrong, this isn't a chance for me to complain about how underappreciated I am as an artist. The reality is that even those closest to me don't recognize me as such, they simply know me as who I am: A friend, a brother, a son, a colleague, etc. I am more a human being in that sense than I am some kind of commodity to be exploited, and in that way I have a type of freedom that I would imagine those in the spotlight may objectively miss having.
The whole point of it anyway, as I have addressed previously, is to simply express myself in the medium that I find I have been given the most incredible gift, and I hold that very close to my heart. I just wonder sometimes if the disconnect between what makes something popular and what makes something truly noteworthy is a gap that I will never be able to surmount within this lifetime. This is a query that plagues most of my waking moments, and even my subconscious mind at times, it seems.
The desire to be exhilarating, to be cherished, to be illuminating, are things that I believe most artists willingly indulge to an extent. At what point does that desire turn into a singular motivator, as opposed to the desire to simply create something that represents your humanity in all of its painfully beautiful splendor? To become an entertainer as opposed to an innovator by way of necessity, that is a path that many have chosen because it puts bread on the table. At what point do I stop focusing on being me and start focusing on making money? Do I ever?
A part of me believes that if I have had the ability in me to sell myself to that degree then I would have done it by now, relinquishing my creative freedom for fiscal stability and whatever amount of public notoriety that brings. But the other part of me believes that if I had ever truly wanted that then I wouldn't have been born with the perception that I have and the depth of love for the truly experimental and indulgent sides of music. Jazz, avant-garde, these are the starving artists almost by definition. That lack of accessibility to a common denominator will always be the thorn in the side of those seeking to create something truly beautiful while still being able to eat by the end of the day.
I just don't know how long I can continue to starve myself for the sake of art and accept that as my fate and embrace it with some kind of stoic dignity, with the very marginal possibility of becoming a posthumous success the only redemption of a meager existence spent toiling over creative embellishment to satisfy my own soul.
Allow me to step down from this soapbox for now and continue to do what I do best. Regardless of whether or not you or anyone else notices.